Monday, May 24, 2010

Delightful Day, Dissapointing News

People are disappointing sometimes - but you know, you cant let it get to you.

I've said it all my life, and I will continue to say it, I will never, EVER, let another persons failure to be a decent human being allow me to lose faith in all mankind.

I will always adhere to Gods compassionate guidelines and presume that no matter how often a person can disappoint us, I will always pray for their ability to blossom and flourish.

Sometimes its just a little sad to watch people condemn themselves to such a shallow existence.

I pray that those that are lost find illumination and content at some point in their lives, I just cant continue to subject myself and my family to their company.

It has been a delightful and blessed day - I feel like God is shouting at me from a mountain top what he wants me to do, and this sad, yet not unexpected news, is only showing me that path all the more.

My priorities will always be family - my husband, my children, our little family mean more to me than anything in the world can ever mean. If someone is unable to understand that, and wants to hold me under scrutiny and question my dedication to other areas in my life, well, then I feel sad they dont hold the same level of love for their family as I do for mine.

I'm done being a sacrificial lamb.
I'm done exhausting myself for others with no compensation.
I'm done constantly putting my means of making a living before actually living.

This day, I was fooled multiple times by the same source, and I say no more. With Zane gone, I now have the strength to stand up for myself, rather than come home and find comfort in his arms.

Its a new day, a new beginning, and now an entirely new chapter in my life is ready to open.

Thank you God, for your blessings, for your love, for my family and friends, and for gifting us a secure and solid foundation this day.

I couldn't be happier! <3

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Things to look forward to.

Well, yesterday marked Zane's first official week in basic training, even though the last I physically held him was May 3rd.

Haven't received any correspondence, and I am sure glad that not only he told me, but that various other family members advised that during the first phase of training (Red Phase) we can expect ZERO communication from our soldiers.

I keep telling myself this, and I know it to be probable and more than likely, however that doesn't stop me from checking the mail 30 times a day, even after the mailman has brought the mail. Or keeping my phone super glued to my side AT ALL TIMES.

You never know, and the feeling of missing a phone call when you know how sparse they are, is like nothing I can describe that makes you sick in the pit of your stomach.

One thing that has been so helpful is that now I can actually mail his letters - although no longer seeing the stack of mail that we write him pile up in the Daddy Mail Slot somehow makes me feel a little sad.

From what I am hearing, its more than likely that their mail is being held for about a week or two, so he may not get any letters from us until close to the end of his Red Phase. This makes me a little sad because I know this time is crucial, more than ever, to hear our words of encouragement, but its all a process and hes not meant to at this time.

Either way, I hope he knows how much we love him and think about him every single day.

It looks like his little sisters will be in town mid-June. Its been over a year since Ive talked to Alli - the whole situation with...yeah. It was awkward and uncomfortable and we were rather upset about it, but Im not one to hold a grudge, and I do miss the girls. Plus, with Daddy gone, I think more than ever the boys need family around, and the girls have never met Carson! So, I did push it all aside and am looking forward to hanging out with them in a few weeks.

Knowing what I know now, I have to admit that alot of what she was saying at the time makes more sense and there are most definitely always two sides to each story. Regardless of what happened, that was a long time ago, and Im not going to penalize the girls or boys. Besides, Zane was the one who was really upset, and hes not here right now to scold me. :)

I think in the end he will be happy I agreed to take the boys for a visit with their aunties.

Then in July, fingers crossed, Zane will earn/keep his midcycle pass so that I can go visit and spend some time with him. Its a 36 hour pass on average, although I have heard some people say their spouses had less and more (6 hours - 52 hours is what Ive heard!)

I cant wait to see him, and Im excited about checking out the cabins for us all when we head up for Family Day & Graduation in August!!

When I get a chance I really need to see if when he heads to Bragg its considered a PCS or just another training post, because we really need to figure the housing situation out and determine which move is the best for us as a family.

Another thing to place on my to-do list!

Well, the boys are ready to get up from snack time, so I too must go.

Happy Saturday!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Happy Tuesday!

So yesterday was insane, too much running around for me and the boys!

I keep meaning to come update my days, but at the end of the day, if I really want to outlet, what I end up doing instead is writing a letter to my baby, which really is a rather good thing I would think. :)

But after my 3-4 page letter, my hand is tired from all the handwriting that i am no longer accustomed to since I am a child of the digital era. My fingers can be clocked at around 120 wmp, but I sure hand write like a 4th grader who doesnt quite remember to hold a pen.

Its like, wait, I know how to do my signature...I have to write more than that? LOL

Things are going great, Georgie came over last night and had dinner with me, some shrimp scampi and white wine, and we watched the Monday line up - House, Nurse Jackie, US of Tara & Tori & Dean HSH.

My first friend over since Zane left, and it was so nice to have someone here who wasn't under the age 5. We got to have grown up conversation, and it just felt nice to have someone else playing with the kiddos. As incredible as they are, sometimes they get in these moods where they both are craving attention, and at times it makes it difficult to be able to cuddle both at the same time. LOL

Well, off to have another adventurous day with my boys!

Cant wait to get the letter from the CO so I know where to start mailing these letters we have all piled up! :)

Love you daddy, miss you dearly, cant wait to see you!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Just keep swimming...

I know some of my dear sweet friends get to hear this all the time, but now I have the privilege of saying it to myself. I was right.

Those first few days of repeated communication really spoiled me - and I knew at the time it wouldnt be commonplace, and I told myself this, but I guess I just didnt want to hear it. No word since Wednesday - this is the longest EVER we have gone without some kind of communication and its driving me insane. I keep talking to God, because being home with the kids means turning inward is my only adult level conversation, LOL.

The boys are doing great, Carson is starting to notice that daddy isnt home, and hasnt been here in a lot longer than usual. He keeps going to look for him I think - sometimes he just wanders from room to room looking in, and then he will point at a pic of Zane and say "daddy!".

Aiden and I have been working on him understanding exactly what it is daddy is off doing. At first, we told Aiden he would be going to work for a while, which is great, but I thought it was important he understood daddys role as a soldier - and thought up a few ideas that would help him grasp what daddy is going through.

Since Zane already had him used to watching the Military Channel all the time, I decided to get him focused, we turned to the internet. The military websites have so many videos showing training and basic, so we had an oppertunity to see the soldiers, and understand what they were doing. Then we decided to pick out 5 simple excercises and learn them, so Aiden could feel like he was working out, just like daddy!

I wasnt sure how much it would really sink in - until we watched Monsters vs Aliens just a few hours later. We were watching the movie, and then as the little army comes out to stand defense against the alien probe, Aiden beams up with excitement, and points at the tv and says:

"Mommy!! Mommy!!! Look - its army men just like daddy!!"

It was my daily moment.

Yes, Ive been doing my best to stay strong - I am a big believer in people and animals feeding off the energy of others, so I cant feel bad, or sad, because if I do the kids will pick up on it and react accordingly, so I stay strong and positive all day, distracting myself and them, talking about Daddy all the time, but trying not to really think about how long it will be until I will get to hold him a day.

Except...once a day (at least) some minor, small, little thing will happen. Something unpredictable, unexpected, and it will remind me of him and I will get a lump in my throat, a pain in my chest and uncontrollable tears that well up so much I have to physically stop because I no longer have vision.

The very first one was our bed. I dropped him off Monday night, and that night after I brought the boys home, I was so exhausted I ended up passing out on the couch. Something I knew would happen, the couch makes me feel like someone is next to me, it was inevitable.

On Tuesday night, at the end of the day when I went to go to bed, I paused and remembered - Monday morning when I was making the bed as i do everyday (by myself) he walked in the room and quietly started to help me. Help me tuck the sheets, fluff and arrange the pillows. I burst out crying - I couldnt even start to unmake the bed and get in it, and it was too much for me, so I headed back to the couch, and didnt get much sleep.

On Wednesday night, as I was gathering the trash to take out - this being the first time I was taking out trash by myself - I pulled the trash bags out of the pantry, and I saw on the ground, crumbled pieces of wax paper and duct tape.

You're probably thinking, WHAT?!?! A few days before, we had gotten Aiden a little policeman coupe car - and Zane wanted to paint it camo. So he did, it took him 2 days to do it, and he spread out on the front porch cutting out patterns, overlaying it, using the wax paper for ease and placement. It was so important to him that he finish this project for Aiden before he left, and at the time, I guess it didnt occur to me how special that would be.

Aiden plays with that car all day now, Carson rides in it with him, both in and outside, and he remembers how him and daddy painted it together, put on the pieces of blue tape to paint over patterns, and he talks about it all the time. Yeah, wax paper made me cry.

Last night I had decided to do some late night laundry, because I couldnt quite sleep, and as I started pulling hangers from the closet, I noticed it looked like some shirts were hanging low on his side - when I looked closer I saw he had tiered the hangers 3 at a time and pushed them over to make more room. And I remembered he was telling me how he was going to fold some clothes, how had i not noticed until now. He had folded all of his clothes out of the drawers, and off the hangers to give me more room in the closet. So that I wouldnt have to use the extra closet in Carsons room to store off season clothes. So sweet and practical, just the way I like it.

Its been the little things, I'm doing my best - today I joined at least 5 different communities online for spouses, families and friends of military service members. It really helped alot talking to other women in my position, especially those with small children.

And I got so excited hearing how there were other wives whose husband arrived at post with my hubby, who were all eager to share info, and talk about what we were all facing. It made me feel a lot less lonely. I'm so excited for him, and his experience, the challenges he will face and overcome. We couldnt be any prouder, hes our hero. Our sons already thought he was a superhero.

Today was the first day we stayed in all day, but it made the day kind of fly in an awkward way - tomorrow I need to run to the store and pick up some more stamps, stationary, cards, ink for the printer, construction paper and maybe paint for the boys. We wrote daddy some letters today and drew him some pictures.

I made a Daddy Mail box, near the Daddy Wall, where I upholstered a college of fabric into a bulletin board - for letters and cards we get from Daddy, pictures, and anything else he can send.

I cant send him anything until I get a letter from him or his CO with the address, but as soon as we can I will have a whole box full of stuff to send I hope!

Off to bed to try and get some rest, sending my dear sweet husband all my love and prayers for the strength to succeed and the motivation to keep going when it feels like you cant go on anymore.

Love you Zane, more than words could ever express.

G'Night <3

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I'm sitting here enjoying my very first dinner for one.

I decided to make some Shrimp Scampi (incredible by the way) and pair it with a bottle of Sweet Moscato. When I say bottle, I wont pretend that I didn't pour a 2nd, or even 3rd glass. The recipe called for a white wine...what? LOL

We have been slowly working towards his enlistment the last few months, and even though we have thoroughly prepared for it mentally - I suppose no practice or preparation can really amount to the actual feeling of knowing your spouse, the person who keeps you warm at night, who helps you bring in the groceries, who you share banter with in the middle of the night is not home to snuggle with when you want them to be.

I couldn't be prouder though - hes always been a soldier, just waiting for his enlistment I suppose. I am so proud of him, the man hes becoming that I always knew he was. Our boys are so lucky to have such an amazing father, I hope they really appreciate it when they get older.

Prayers go out for my beloved, and I hope he triumphs through all the challenges he is about to face so that he can pursue the path he wishes to follow.

Right now, even though the spot where he normally sleeps will remain cold, and the place at the table where he dines with me is empty, I feel like the luckiest woman alive to know that such a great man holds his place in my heart.

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