Friday, May 7, 2010

Just keep swimming...

I know some of my dear sweet friends get to hear this all the time, but now I have the privilege of saying it to myself. I was right.

Those first few days of repeated communication really spoiled me - and I knew at the time it wouldnt be commonplace, and I told myself this, but I guess I just didnt want to hear it. No word since Wednesday - this is the longest EVER we have gone without some kind of communication and its driving me insane. I keep talking to God, because being home with the kids means turning inward is my only adult level conversation, LOL.

The boys are doing great, Carson is starting to notice that daddy isnt home, and hasnt been here in a lot longer than usual. He keeps going to look for him I think - sometimes he just wanders from room to room looking in, and then he will point at a pic of Zane and say "daddy!".

Aiden and I have been working on him understanding exactly what it is daddy is off doing. At first, we told Aiden he would be going to work for a while, which is great, but I thought it was important he understood daddys role as a soldier - and thought up a few ideas that would help him grasp what daddy is going through.

Since Zane already had him used to watching the Military Channel all the time, I decided to get him focused, we turned to the internet. The military websites have so many videos showing training and basic, so we had an oppertunity to see the soldiers, and understand what they were doing. Then we decided to pick out 5 simple excercises and learn them, so Aiden could feel like he was working out, just like daddy!

I wasnt sure how much it would really sink in - until we watched Monsters vs Aliens just a few hours later. We were watching the movie, and then as the little army comes out to stand defense against the alien probe, Aiden beams up with excitement, and points at the tv and says:

"Mommy!! Mommy!!! Look - its army men just like daddy!!"

It was my daily moment.

Yes, Ive been doing my best to stay strong - I am a big believer in people and animals feeding off the energy of others, so I cant feel bad, or sad, because if I do the kids will pick up on it and react accordingly, so I stay strong and positive all day, distracting myself and them, talking about Daddy all the time, but trying not to really think about how long it will be until I will get to hold him a day.

Except...once a day (at least) some minor, small, little thing will happen. Something unpredictable, unexpected, and it will remind me of him and I will get a lump in my throat, a pain in my chest and uncontrollable tears that well up so much I have to physically stop because I no longer have vision.

The very first one was our bed. I dropped him off Monday night, and that night after I brought the boys home, I was so exhausted I ended up passing out on the couch. Something I knew would happen, the couch makes me feel like someone is next to me, it was inevitable.

On Tuesday night, at the end of the day when I went to go to bed, I paused and remembered - Monday morning when I was making the bed as i do everyday (by myself) he walked in the room and quietly started to help me. Help me tuck the sheets, fluff and arrange the pillows. I burst out crying - I couldnt even start to unmake the bed and get in it, and it was too much for me, so I headed back to the couch, and didnt get much sleep.

On Wednesday night, as I was gathering the trash to take out - this being the first time I was taking out trash by myself - I pulled the trash bags out of the pantry, and I saw on the ground, crumbled pieces of wax paper and duct tape.

You're probably thinking, WHAT?!?! A few days before, we had gotten Aiden a little policeman coupe car - and Zane wanted to paint it camo. So he did, it took him 2 days to do it, and he spread out on the front porch cutting out patterns, overlaying it, using the wax paper for ease and placement. It was so important to him that he finish this project for Aiden before he left, and at the time, I guess it didnt occur to me how special that would be.

Aiden plays with that car all day now, Carson rides in it with him, both in and outside, and he remembers how him and daddy painted it together, put on the pieces of blue tape to paint over patterns, and he talks about it all the time. Yeah, wax paper made me cry.

Last night I had decided to do some late night laundry, because I couldnt quite sleep, and as I started pulling hangers from the closet, I noticed it looked like some shirts were hanging low on his side - when I looked closer I saw he had tiered the hangers 3 at a time and pushed them over to make more room. And I remembered he was telling me how he was going to fold some clothes, how had i not noticed until now. He had folded all of his clothes out of the drawers, and off the hangers to give me more room in the closet. So that I wouldnt have to use the extra closet in Carsons room to store off season clothes. So sweet and practical, just the way I like it.

Its been the little things, I'm doing my best - today I joined at least 5 different communities online for spouses, families and friends of military service members. It really helped alot talking to other women in my position, especially those with small children.

And I got so excited hearing how there were other wives whose husband arrived at post with my hubby, who were all eager to share info, and talk about what we were all facing. It made me feel a lot less lonely. I'm so excited for him, and his experience, the challenges he will face and overcome. We couldnt be any prouder, hes our hero. Our sons already thought he was a superhero.

Today was the first day we stayed in all day, but it made the day kind of fly in an awkward way - tomorrow I need to run to the store and pick up some more stamps, stationary, cards, ink for the printer, construction paper and maybe paint for the boys. We wrote daddy some letters today and drew him some pictures.

I made a Daddy Mail box, near the Daddy Wall, where I upholstered a college of fabric into a bulletin board - for letters and cards we get from Daddy, pictures, and anything else he can send.

I cant send him anything until I get a letter from him or his CO with the address, but as soon as we can I will have a whole box full of stuff to send I hope!

Off to bed to try and get some rest, sending my dear sweet husband all my love and prayers for the strength to succeed and the motivation to keep going when it feels like you cant go on anymore.

Love you Zane, more than words could ever express.

G'Night <3

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